Choke

In the lead up to CHOKE's final farewell fuck off gig SOD and Sly managed to get an interview from the men behind the mayhem and pose some interesting and moronic questions. (I blame Louise personally)

 

G = Gav, D = Dysie

1. Why split?
D. We are using this drummer dilemma as an excuse. But really I need some serious therapy & treatment for my obsession with Indian midget lap dancers.
G. D's obsession with Indian midget lap dancers.
B. I like men.

2. Seriously, thats fucked, cant you guys work it out?
D. No I can`t. I just love that little dot in their forehead, it gives me something to aim at. I also love the way a midgets arse is all puffy.
B. No, men just do it for me. My chin was made for resting ballbags on.

3. Ok, so you've had some serious drummer problems since day dot, whats the major reason for so many drummers leaving and whats your advice for other bands who are having problems with members? (obviously this advice is void since it hasnt worked..)
D. My advice is to go through some kind of initiation ceremony, perhaps where once you`re in you can`t leave for fear of being killed. Maybe like get them real drunk & shove assorted gardening tools up there dot & then kick them in the sac over & over until a jatz cracker falls out.
G. My advice is to get a fucken drum machine .
B. I tried to have sex with all of them & that made them slightly uncomfortable around me.

4. At the request of SOD, what part does your dirty, sleazy mate Schwatter play in CHOKE, other than scare away potential band groupies?
D. Schwatter is actually one of those little kiddies from the Make A Wish Foundation. His wish was to hang around with Choke until he karked it. But the fucking prick is still with us & the Make A Wish Foundation won`t take him back. I`m now forced to live with the mongol retard, cos no-one else will take responsibility for him.
G. Suck shit, the man(child) is a fucken tool, but I know he has a soft spot for Nina. I think he may ask for her hand in marriage at any given stage.
B. His is male, therefore I love him. In fact his little dimples just drive me wild.

5. You've released the demo Onabigwun and the very excellent Smokin' Tailpipe Action, but before this parting ways business there was talk of the "Greatest Clits" cd, how far did you get with producing that album and will you be spoiling us with it?
D. Well the artwork was completed. It was a big collage of well bashed twats. I wrote 5 songs on a 4 track recorder, complete with Casio drum tracks & that was it as far as production goes. We`re still going to release it & each copy is going to cum with a specially packed snip of my pubic hair tucked away on the inner sleeve.
G. Had we actually finished it I was tipping some Grammy nominations coming our way. But the mighty Cuntscrape will garner those nominations now.
B. Fuck I wish I had a cock to sit on right now.

6. Will there be ANY further CHOKE happenings like videos, 5 years of, Where Are They Now?, and will the CHOKE merchandise still be available for the diehard fans?
D. Well my pubic hair will always be available, not to mention my whopping great bald monkey. VIDEOS - definitely. I`ve just finished my first instructional video,"Learn To Fuck", with the second,"A Load Is Best Swallowed" soon to follow. There is not a great deal of Choke merch left, but if you are quick you can still get a shirt or banned cd version of STA.
G. I have hermetically sealed a selection of my best grogans at the rock bottom price of just $49.95 (plus postage and handling) but you had better get in quick as I am running out of All Bran.
B. I just want to rub baby oil over Johnnies buttocks & massage them with my breasts.

7. Have you seen Snatch?
D. Well Louise, I wouldn`t mind seeing your snatch, but every time I offer my seriously rigid beast to you, you decline. Your loss.
G. I've seen plenty. D's mums was certainly smashed about a bit. But she gargles junket like a bitch possessed.
B. She doesn`t gargle half as well as me & she isn`t even into bukakke. Lame.

8. Its wicked isnt it?
D. Well I hear your snatch is quite wicked, but unless you let me fuck the uterus out of you I will never know. Give us one shot (down your throat) & you`ll be begging for more.
G. Positively feral.
B. Yes bukakke is quite naughty isn`t it.

9. Ive heard that you have already started a band called CUNTSCRAPE (total rip off of all girl death/grind band Cunt Grunt), when will we be hearing more of this? Will Brad and Gav be involved?
D. Brad & Gav will not in any shape or form be involved. I`m sick to death of those spastics & their dribbling antics. You can only wipe someone else`s arse, chin & nose for so long before you get sick of it. Cuntscrape should be gigging by the end of the year. Every song will be about my love for poontang & my insatiable desire to lick, poke, prod, probe, abuse, use, suck, fuck & fist those lovely batcaves.
G. Cunt Grunt are weak & unless they play naked & smear themselves in chocolate & jelly & get me to lick it off, I will not be attending such lame attempts at metal.
B. I got a new band called `C.Men Swiller`. Every song will be about penises.

10. As you're already a well established figure in the anal probing industry, as well as band promotions, will you still dedicate your time to the Perth metal scene?
D. Yes, I`m quite prepared to bleed you suckers dry for a few more years yet. It`s got me to Germany so far & I`m hungry for more. I`m hanging around. Plus I wouldn`t mind shagging some of the all-ages talent that is coming through. They make my sausage sizzle.
B. mmmmm anal probing, ooh my sphincter just throbbed.

11. Not only have you had ongoing drummer problems, but your album has been banned and all the copies you had (HA!) confiscated, and more recently, the All Ages CHOKE farewell and fuck off gig has been cancelled by the Grosvenor. Someone up there doesnt like you..
D. Someone up there is a fuckwit & can lick Brad`s herpe riddled anus. I`ll have you know the filth only got a handfull of CD`s (I wasn`t that stupid to give them all to them) & the rest were sold overseas to fund my Indian midget lap dancer habit. Those puffy bums are so hot. All-ages gig cancellation is a bummer. We are totally bummed about it. I was hoping to get a couple of numbers so I could hang around high schools & not get arrested for it.
G. Brad's particularly gutted as his insatiable appetite for young boys knows no bounds. he had already stocked up on boiled sweets and he's just inconsolable right now.
B. Ooooh those sweet young things.

12. Griff from Pagan thinks you're you a racist cunt, what do you reckon?
D. Firstly, Griff can`t think. Secondly that slanty eyed, yellow skinned, rickshaw pulling, immigrant boat person, rice munching, stupid hat wearing, disease riddled, dog & cat eating, bow legged, small dick tugging gook cunt can fuck off back to his own country if he doesn`t like it. Griff is the oly Asian I don`t like.
G. I think Indonesians are living proof man descended from the apes. Griff was always good on the monkey bars at school.
B. Gav, can you push this bead back in.

13. Would you ever consider having sex with myself or SOD?
D. SOD can SOD OFF & rectally please himself with Brad & his assorted tubes & pipes. BTW Brad is a slut & if SOD can touch the sides I`ll become a she-male & make videos with eels. Yes his bunghole is pretty cavenous. You, on the hand Louise, I would pound your fluffy sausage wallet until I bled. You have no idea how much I want to rip you apart.
G. Only if farm animals are involved.
B. Dysie, you are so nasty. But not as nasty as SOD I bet. How about it wog boy. Wanna grease me up?

14. Im not gonna ask any questions relating to Gav's weight because as an overweight person I can understand his position and his need for other peoples' sensitivity on the matter. Granted, he is a bit of a fat cunt, when the fuck is he gonna do something about it?
D. Fuck sensitivity. I don`t mind fat chicks cos I like playing with flour & plus it makes your tits bigger. With all those rolls it also gives more things to stick you wing wang into. But Gav, he is truly a sickening creature. He will never do anything about it. He just loves to wallow around in his own filth in bed & completely immerse himself in it. He only showers once a month because it is such an effort to get him down to the elephants enclosure at the Perth Zoo to hose him down. I pity the fool.
G. Listen to you Dyson you big heap of a man. At least I can take a dump without fear of prolapsing.
B. All this anal talk is making me horny.

15. Finally, since one of Perth's funniest and sickest bands in history is going bye byes, and since you're my bitch and answering my questions, what do you have to say in closing and who would you like to thank and/or kill that have been involved with CHOKE over the years?
D. What do you mean one of. We are Perth`s funniest & sickest band ever & Cuntscrape will quickly take that crown. I`d like to kill those Pollies involved with this censorship crap. In particular C.E. you stupid, short poop head. If you were a bit shorter & Indian I may like you. I`d also like to kill all the venue owners who refuse to have metal gigs. I`d like to thank myself for being such a sex machine & to everyone who has supported CHOKE in any way over the last 5 years. Whether it be coming to a gig, buying merchandise, yelling abuse, surfing our website, reviews/ interviews, designing poster, printing shit, handing out flyers or even looking at my tasty arse. I`ve made a lot of great friends during this time & I love you all. It`s been a great part of my life & I`ve loved every minute of it. I`m gonna cry now. Gav can you get me a tissue, & that Busty Bitches magazine while you are at it. Cheers mate & cheers to all of you.
G. I'd like to say Brad and Glenn, you both suck and if i wasn't in a band with you pair of arseclowns I wouldn't hang around dicks like yourselves. You are a pair of hacks. I have been asked to replace Jason Newsted in Metallica now. Hahaha you can all lick my arse and call it ice cream. To my loyal followers; I'll see you on tour. If you get to close my body guards will beat you into a quivering bloody pulp.
B. Any of you powerful big metal boys wanna go for a ride.