So here is the final copy.
About to print & laminate.
RULES OF THE KEXBY STREET MANOR
1. The carpet doesn't need cleaning if you can't see it.
2. Knocking @ the front door may result in a fist through glass & glass in your face response.
3. Geoff has no room, he lives in the "outhouse".
4. Cockroaches in the fridge are fine as long as they keep the maggots from overbreeding.
5. Mice are fine as long as they control the cockroaches. Rats are fine as long....
6. A couch without used condoms under the cushions is a logical absurdity.
7. Light fixtures that still allow light through haven't the required amount of bugs yet.
8. If Big Mac died in his room, they would only be able to tell because the smell got better.
9. Girlfriends left unattended may end up stumbling into the ranga lair.
10. If you can walk without things crunching underfoot, you are probably somewhere else.
11. Washing machines are the place you put dirty clothes you have no intention of ever seeing again.
12. Spilt bongwater is better than pinoclean for masking the smell of death..
13. The magazines in the toilet are for aiming at while pissing.
14. Ceiling fans should be cleaned by turning them on and throwing knives at them.
15. Anything dropped automatically becomes part of "HOUSE".
16. Any vehicle that parks in the driveway is obligated to break down immediately.It is not to be removed,repaired
or noticed ever again.
17. The mould on the bathroom ceiling is named Erik. Do not feed.
18. Harpic is just not Metal. Toilet Ducks are drowned on sight.
19. You are encouraged to wipe your feet before you exit the house.
20. If you open a CD cover and find the correct CD in it, buy a lotto ticket quickly.
21. Brick walls should flex if leaned on.
22. Clean sheets are not to be trusted.
23. Kexby Street is the place where sick sofas go to die.
24. Don't worry about the thing. It is more afraid of you than you are of it.
25. Eyebrows may magically vanish.
26. The roof is not for playing with.
27. There is nothing we can do about Wade, so stop asking.
28. Air con venting is best created by punching holes in the ceiling.
29. Jez may appear @ random inapropriate moments to destroy your mojo.
30. Climbing through windows dukes of hazzard style is way cooler than using doors, bonus points awarded if there
is a body on the couch to land on during said entry.
31. If you need more seabreeze in summer, throw something through a window.
32. If the fridge is less than 50% ice it is not cold enough.
33. All dead insects are to be left on the sink & kitchen counter tops. This allows other insects to feed off them
& die.
34.The Bin must NEVER be defiled by putting rubbish in it, Any rubbish removed from inside the house, under no circumstances will be placed in a bin. It is
to be left in a plastic bag outside to help assist in the feeding of local stray animals.
35. Playing pool will piss off the redback breeding program.
36. Passing out face down on the carpet may reult in an O.D
37. After sex couch cushions are to be flipped so that they are equally stained on both sides.
38. A bbq is to be used until the roaches block the jets, then it is to be left wherever it was last used & a
replacement bbq is located in a new postion.
39. Old (ancient) pizza boxes are NOT to be chucked out. They will become replacements for busted in windows.
40. If the cops are called for noise disturbances. Big Mac will be issued & will reason with the officer that " Oi man, It's just the Beatles hey"
41. Vaginas left unattended may be mistreated.
42. We are aware of the dead rabbit in the tumbledryer and are working on the problem.
43. Stepping on the squeaky floorboard outside Big Mac's room may result in a machette-related accident.
44. Anything Big Mac dares you to eat will likely contravene strategc weapons limitations.
45. Water from the kitchen taps will normally go clear after running for 2 minutes.
46. Anything that resembles detergent probably isn't. Anything that resembles semen probably is.
47. Any logic, shame, personal hygiene, coherant thought, survival mechanisms or humanity in general that may hinder your Kexby street experience can be left
at the front door in Geoff's pile of dirty socks.
48.Bucket Water must not be changed under any circumstances. Becuase it can be strained and resin smoked when all else has failed.
49. There must be no correctly functioning televisions allowed on the premises. The speaker magnets aren't there for decoration, please do not remove.
50. If a duplicate appliance is introduced to the house then the one that is slightly more shit must be destroyed in a spectacular fashion immediately. e.g.
TVs, Fridges.
51.If the dunny is engaged, please refer to the cooler bag hanging behind the bathroom door.
52. Spearguns are designed to be used to club old furniture & appliances to death whilst loaded.
53. If you knock on Geoff's door and he says "don't come in", best heed the warning. Seriously.
54. Climbing in through the bathroom window may result in near disembowlment.
55. There is no need to clean the place, statistically an OCD sufferer will visit someday.
56. The back lawn is to be mowed only when you can't see the clothesline anymore.
57. The ping pong table stopped working and we can't work out why.
58. Playing drums at 3am is an accident that was unavoidable.
59. Do not eat one of Geoff's "tic tacs", it will NOT freshen your breath, but it may make you grind your teeth.
60. We will never be evicted, the owners would have to spend $50000 before anyone else could live here.
61. Almost anything can be found under the couch. Not that we would know.
62. There is no internet because there is no phone line. Download your porn elsewhere.
63. You WILL hear Big Mac say that he is moving out. He has been saying it for 4 years now, and he will die here.Have unprotected sex here & you risk
contracting Geoffries, Quades or Big mackiass.
64. Do not kill the spiders, they keep the mozies @ bay caused by stagnant water in broken washing machine & flys @ bay due to rotting flesh.
65. Do not fix running bathroom tap as it keeps the frogs alive. Frogs are essential as spiders alone cannot keep insect populations @ bay.
66. Do not remove stagnant water or rotting flesh, because without these there will be no insect population & the frogs will starve to death.
67. All vaginal fistings are to take place in the privacy of the live room (the one with all the microphones in it), as this creates quality party
entertainment for all those sitting in the studio room, attempting to figure out where the porn sounds are cuming from on Geoff's computer, then realising
what is acually happening, then running around the house trying to find someone sober enough to figure out how to press record.
68. All pre rent inspection repairs are to be undertaken the day before inspection & MUST appear worse than the
actual damage that they conceal.
69. The manor MUST be returned to it's pre inspection glory or worse within a 24hr period following above said
inspection.
